I’m back

I know I left you abruptly and I’m sorry. But when I saw this nonsense the other day I realised how much you need me. I promise I’ll be more attentive in future.

Petrol is expensive.

All of this petrol talk is really starting to bore me. I’m busy trying to implement our enormously popular first term agenda and all anyone wants to talk about is petrol. Are you ready for the truth Australia? Are you sure? OK, here it is. Petrol is scarce, it’s running out at exactly the same time as the demand for it is going through the roof, that means that it’s going to keep getting more and more expensive.

So should we give a tax cut or an excise cut to help everyone? Of course not! Why the hell do you want me to encourage you to use more petrol? It’s time to take some personal responsibility Australia. Get rid of your oversized and unnecessary four wheel drives and six cylinder cars, drive economically or even, shock horror, walk or ride a bike.

Oh and about that leak this morning, I did that. I know Fuelwatch is a stupid idea and I want you to know it too. It’s not as stupid and as economically reckless as the Liberals excise cut though, don’t forget that.

That’s got a bit of a Tang about it.

What a great way to start a long weekend!It’s always fun slapping around the intellectual midgets on the other side of the chamber, but it’s doubly satisfying when they’ve been hoist on their own petard. I know that we may have looked like we were in a bit of trouble this week when the Libs started carrying on about some of the sponsored travel that we undertook while in opposition, but we knew all along that, as usual, they were in it up to their necks. Personally, I think the personal involvement of Mark Vaile with a guy they’ve been trying to paint as a secret contact of mine is the best part of the story. Although Andrew Robb admitting that they’d be happy to accept sponsorship from the same company was a very close second.

One thing that I think does need to be cleared up is this,

But questions remain about why Mr Tang chose to be so generous to a number of senior Labor politicians,

The answer to this is pretty straight forward. If you had to spend time with anyone from the Libs or the Nats when they were in government you’d do everything in your power to get the ALP elected too. A dinner with the Libs is only marginally less painful than root canal surgery. Spending time with the Nats is like trying to explain quantum physics to a three year old who’s drunk four litres of red cordial, actually it’s harder than that. People don’t necessarily like the ALP, but they sure do despise the Coalition.

Friends, I know that you all understand that everything that I do is in the best interests of the nation. From time to time the opposition are going to try throwing this type of mud to discredit me, you simply need to trust that there is always a perfectly good explanation for everything I do. Have a happy and safe Easter.

Another thing off the list.

Friends, you’ll no doubt be hearing today about our success in getting our legislation to rollback workchoices through the Senate. I’d just like to congratulate our team for all the effort that they’ve put in since the election, using my own work ethic as an example of how to commit to a project and reach your goals. It’s also nice to see that the coalition have respected the will of the people and accepted our right to implement out agenda.

I am also pleased to announce that with the successful passage of this bill, I will be approving people’s leave requests for Easter. Please have your forms to John Faulkner’s office by midday.

PS. Leave approvals do not apply to any staffers in Treasury or Finance, we’ve got to keep working to bring inflation down, sorry guys, you’re in Canberra this weekend.

The real opposition

Friends, you know that I don’t place too much stock in opinion polls, I’m here busily delivering our first term agenda for all Australians, not trying to win a popularity contest. So today’s Newspoll figures really aren’t something that are taking up too much of my focus, if anything they’re more a measure of how our opposition is travelling, not the Night watchman, the News Ltd press machine.

For all the talk of a free and independent press that we like to have in a country like Australia the fact is that we have neither. Journos are desperate to be insiders in the political process so every one of them has their own cause or politician to push, News Ltd are the worst offenders, while constantly claiming that there is no editorial interference. That said, anyone who needs to be told what Rupert thinks before they write an article won’t go far in the organisation.

So today while the Night watchman languishes on a still pathetic ten per cent preferred PM figure, expect to see News Ltd hacks patting themselves on the back for their stellar efforts in putting a dent in my governments enormous popularity. You don’t need to go much further than The Australian’s chief cheerleader Dennis Shanahan to find evidence of how they deliberately distorted the truth to see what sort of effect they could have on Newspoll

After The Australian reported plans to scrap the $1600 carers’ bonus, Mr Rudd’s guarantee that “no one will be worse off” stopped the outcry and he was forced to say they would be entrenched in the budget.

Did the partisan hacks at the Australian catch us unawares? Yes they did. Do we regret the effect that their lies had on our relationship with the Australian public? Of course we do. Do we have a plan to deal with this next time? We certainly hope so.

Right back at you Kirk

Friends, you all know that I consider the job I do a privilege, and that the opportunity for public service is what drives me. The brushes with stardom, money and power that come with a job like mine are often a burden that must be borne in order to achieve the goals that I have for this great nation of ours.

That said, I must admit that I was touched to receive a letter from Kirk Douglas praising my apology to the stolen generation. Kirk Douglas has been a hero of mine for some time and I can still fondly remember watching The Man From Snowy River at the Starlight Drive-In with Therese. So thanks Kirk, your words have humbled me and I hope that the new direction that we are charting for Australia can set an example for the rest of the world.

By the way, is there any chance you could get Michael and Catherine’s autographs for the kids? Just send them care of my office.

Malcolm Turnbull is a prat

I realise that there are some people of a progressive bent who believe that Malcolm Turnbull will make a good opposition leader because he’s not as extreme as the bulk of the Liberal Party and will soften the party somewhat, I’m sorry to be so blunt friends, but you are deluding yourselves. Malcolm “Goldman Sachs” Turnbull is a first class prat, whose only interests in life are directly related to his own wealth and power. Malcolm doesn’t care who or what he has to trample to achieve his aims and believes that his wealth somehow is a measure of his good judgement, rather than his family connections and the early patronage of Kerry Packer.

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